TANGLES IN MY HEART

Here is a testimony of someone’s abortion experience…

An interesting principle came to me one day when I was combing my hair. I found that how I deal with snarls in my hair was how I dealt with snarls in my life.

I have long hair and it is very fine, causing it to be very sensitive and tangles easily. I have found, from time to time, that I will get a snarl in my hair and I would comb over it instead of dealing with it.

When I did that it would give me the illusion of covering it up and hiding it from others, but it never helped, it just made the problem worse.

The longer I avoided the snarl, the bigger it got. One day I had a particularly nasty snarl in my hair that I had avoided for quite some time. I was reflecting on it, trying to decide if I shouldn’t just cut my hair when the Lord showed me that I needed to work through difficult situations instead of avoiding them. He showed me through that snarl in my hair that once I decided to begin working on combing it out, no matter how much it hurt and I cried the snarl could be combed out.

This was a picture the Lord gave me to begin the process of healing a very painful part of my past. I had not been dealing with the problem, thus allowing it to get bigger, more painful and gave Satan a place to work havoc in my life.

When I was 9, I was raped by a classmate’s brother, who had been molesting her along with her other two brothers. Although it was told to my parents and they made me confess it to the Catholic priest, nothing was ever done to help me heal from the shame I felt.

This began a snarl in my life that would be combed over and hidden from the world for many years. I would spend the better part of my childhood and adult life trying desperately to hide my painful secret.

I found that I believed that I was a sinner, for the priest told me so. I had to say so many of the prescribed prayers they give you that I walked away believing that I was too bad for God to love and there wasn’t any forgiveness for someone as dirty as I was.

 I also believed that there wasn’t anyone that would ever be there for me so I had to take care of it myself. My life would be a constant tangle of shame, guilt and horror that anyone would ever know this about me. I lived desperately trying to hide, but it always seemed everyone knew.

When I was 20 my life had come to a place where I believed that I would never be loved when I started to date a guy I met during summer break from college. I never knew that I didn’t have to sleep with a guy in order to get him to love me, so I got pregnant.

He immediately dumped me and I was faced with sharing it with my parents who were unable to deal with my earlier crisis and had left me believing it was all my fault I had been raped.

I had nowhere to turn, so I chose abortion. This turned the snarl of my life to a horrible tangle and pushed my life into a mess where I used alcohol and drugs to try and forget. The pain built and my life spiraled out of control so that 5 years later I found myself in the same situation, pregnant, dumped and nowhere to turn.

I chose the easy way out again and found myself at the abortion clinic.

The mess in my life was getting bigger and harder to hide. It took so much energy to pretend to have it all under control.

When I met Jesus Christ, it was the most amazing thing that He would pursue me, sent others alongside me and offered love and forgiveness that I had never known. I heard a song that offered me freedom and I knew that Jesus wanted me to surrender all of my life to Him, because He wanted me and I accepted.

So I began to walk in His ways and in His truth, but I had not yet begun to unravel the snarl that was still causing me to hide my “real” self from others.

Then one day the Lord reminded me that I had accepted Him into my heart when I had heard the song by Clay Crosse I Surrender All. He showed me that when I said I would surrender all, He meant the pain as well and He wanted to heal the wounded places of my heart.

I felt backed into a corner, I had nowhere to run, so I gave in and asked Him to help me deal with the abortions and He led me HEART. A group that is for helping woman deal with the pain of abortion related trauma that women experience as a result of making the choice to abort their child or children.

The 12-week bible study was the most amazing process of untangling the snarl of the years of shame and pain I had built up. I was able to finally come boldly to the throne of grace and ask forgiveness for what I had done. I was able to work through anger at those who had hurt me and let me down and then reach a place of forgiveness. The day that I accepted God’s forgiveness was the most incredible day of my life and the most freeing experience.

I was no longer in bondage to the pain and I fully accepted that He loved me, He had died for my sins, and I just needed to accept His forgiveness to be set free.

To write this is hard for me for it does the one thing that I have been avoiding all my life, exposes me.

I was reflecting on this as I heard a story about a man who is preparing to be set free from a jail where he has served time for selling drugs. He had since come to know Jesus and is afraid to get out and suffer the world that may or may not accept him. He worries about being forever marked and I realized that I could relate to him in my failure to share my story. I was allowing what people thought of me to be more important to me that what God thinks of me.

I know that in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 it says Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

 I knew that I had to be comforted by God in order to offer comfort to others like me who have a horrible tangled life that needs to be set free by God.

I am not proud of my past, but I share it with others so that they will know…when the Son has set you free, you shall be free indeed. John 8:36.

May His Light Shine Bright

In reading and listening to the news the other day, I learned about a serial killer, the sad ending of the story about the two missing girls in Ohio, and that Republicans and Democrats are still doing their best at not working together.

Then when I turned on the radio I heard about a guy at Clackamas Mall shooting at the shoppers. Later I found out two special friends were over there and it broke my heart they were so close to danger.

There are more and more reports of people having cancer, families splitting up, teens making some really bad choices for their lives, and many other very dark and depressing things.

And during a month where people are celebrating the Christmas holiday, some people instead of being able to celebrate, struggle intensely from depression.

Others put up bright lights at their homes. You can see them all around the city, the state, the country. Christmas music is blaring over the store speakers and people are running to stores to buy gifts for those they love.

With all the bad reports, or emotional distresses, no matter what a person’s holiday traditions may be…there is one thing that matters and never changes…

The Word Became Flesh

John 1: 1-5

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

No matter what comes and makes it a dark hour for you, no matter what, may you hold on to the truth of Jesus and let His light shine into your darkness.

Some Book Signing Fun With Blue Threads

I did a book signing with Sharon Bernash Smith at Crown Book. It was a lot of fun.

The manager of Crown Book Ray is a great hostess. She ordered books from the Sister Blue Thread Series to put on her shelves. So the book will be available in about ten days at her store if anyone wants to go and pick one up from there.

 

I had some great pictures from the signing that I was very excited to post on this blog to share with everyone and then I accidentally deleted them. Otherwise, I would be able to let you see some of the Blue Threads that came to the signing.

Isn't that how life is?

A person can have some great intentions. but somehow blow it. When we do blow it though, after the disappointing feeling, what are we going to do?

Stay upset? Beat ourselves up?

Or get up and hope to do better next time?

Well, in this instance it's easy to say I'm going to do better next time and not beat myself up. Still, there are times when I blow it where there are serious repercussions. I'm going to feel the pain, loss, sorrow and whatever else comes with it. While I'm going through the emotions and the consequences, it's really important to work through it and do the best I can. It's determental for me to tear myself down.

One day last summer after a life lesson with my daughter, we made a daily motto. It goes like this, Today, I will be the best me that I can be, no matter what, to glorify God.

So, if you've blown it today, in anyway, go and do the absolute right things you can do about it. If you need to confess, confess, if you need to apologize, go and apologize. Whatever you have to do, do it.

God loves you. He has a gift of forgiveness for you. I hope you receive it.



 

 





Watch For Stones

This last month has been incredibly busy, with proofing two books from the Sister Blue Thread series, getting ready to participate in a conference, and holidays. Now I’m busy finishing up the third book that is due the beginning of December.

During all of this time I’ve had so many thoughts I wanted to put down and share on this blog, but I didn’t find the time. One in particular keeps bouncing around in my head, so I’m taking a few minutes before getting ready for church to share it with you.
I shared the following in the break out sessions I did at the conference and then amazingly when I went to church the following day, the Pastor did a talk on the very same subject.

The Bible tells us of a story, of when Jesus appeared at dawn in the temple courts, and all the people gathered around him, then he sits down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman who was caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

According to the Bible they were asking Him the question to trick him because they wanted to have a reason to accuse Him.

Jesus however bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. They kept questioning him; he then straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

When I read this story I can feel the anxiety the woman probably felt at that moment waiting for the stones to start to hit her. Did she wince, I wonder? Cover her face? Cry out? Or did she stare all of them in the face with a dare to throw a stone at her?

The Bible doesn’t talk about her reaction. So to me that only says it wasn’t as important as the response of Jesus and the reaction of those around her.

What was their reaction? They began to go away one at a time, the older ones first until Jesus was left with the woman still standing there.

Can you picture yourself in this position? Your sin has been brought in front of your community; they could have punished you for your sin, but realized they had sins of their own. And now you’re standing before Jesus.
Pretty vulnerable position to be in, I’d say. Except, I remember a time of standing before Him, filled with guilt and remorse, not in reality, but spiritually, where I confessed my sins to Him, and I got a reply pretty close to the one this woman received.

Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

I can only imagine that woman went away with a grateful heart and lived a life loving the one who saved her from being condemned from her sin. I know I did and do.

Have you experienced that? Or is this your experience?

This story is a reminder to look to our own hearts and make them right with God. Pointing fingers and judging others for their mistakes, bad judgments, isn’t what we are called to do. Because when I bring them before Jesus, I’ve found He deals with me, not the person I’m ratting on.

Sometimes though, that person we’re ratting on is ourselves. We carry the weight of guilt and condemnation for a choice that we have made in our lives. Divorce, abortion, abandonment, stealing, failed relationships, mistakes as a parent, and many, many other things.

It’s carried on a person’s shoulder like a bag of garbage that they are not going to let go of for anything.

The Bible says that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus our Lord.

When we bring our sins to Him, it’s not just for a chat, but it’s to bring them to Him and confess that we have done wrong. Now, here is the hard part, because we think we have to pay a price.

But we don’t. Yes, sometimes there is a consequence, but the hard part is to believe that Jesus paid the price. He died on the cross for your failures. Not just one or two, but for ALL of them. He alone is worthy to pay the price for our sins. He is the Lamb of God.

Can we, can you walk in faith that God loved the world so much, He sent His only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

And that God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because He has not believe in the name of God’s one and only Son.

That is what faith is all about…believing.

Now, let’s do what Jesus said and go and sin no more.

Oops, I didn’t do such a great job at that. I’m still messing up. Now, my faith has to take over in a different way. “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His word has no place in our lives.”

Confess, confess, confess, and go follow Jesus. Don’t sit there in guilt, condemnation and shame, then you will miss out on all He has for you. Receive this wonderful gift He has for you, He didn’t hang on that cross in vain. It was to pay the price. Rejoice in that.

After living it, and also hearing about it, I put that message into the Sister Blue Thread series. Each book leads Trudy’s friends and family through situations where they learn to go to Jesus no matter what the circumstances is that they are in.

I hope that you too will bring your issues to Jesus. He will make your path straight.

Look up passages in John 8, John 3:16 – 18, Romans 8:1, 1John 1:8 - 10

Book One - Hidden Song Has Been Released.

If you click on the link below you can read my blog written for the release of Hidden Song, the first book in the Sister Blue Thread series.

http://blogs.christianpost.com/bindings/the-hidden-pain-behind-the-right-to-choose-13108/

Hidden Song - Book One of the Sister Blue Thread Series

I'm eagerly waiting for the final proofs to be sent to me for review. After that and all of the last minute details are taken care of, it's off to the printers.

My mind is having a hard time wrapping itself around this.

This story started out many years ago as a short story then I expanded it. Through many changes in my own life, the story grew.

I've had so many people encourage me while writing this book. I can't tell you how much they all mean to me.

My point in writing this post today is...don't give up on what your dreams are...keep pressing on.

My family and I have had so many obstacles over the years and yet my husband, family and friends have encouraged me to keep on writing.

And so I did.

And now I'm eagerly waiting to see the finished product.

I hope it is a blessing to so many people.

I hope you are blessed to keep going toward your goal.

Don't give up. Perservere.

Mission Verse

Proverbs 31:8-9

Open your mouth for the speechless,

In the cause of all who are appointed to die.<sup>[a]

9</sup> Open your mouth, judge righteously,

And plead the cause of the poor and needy.