THE LIGHT SHINES

Many mornings incredible colors fill the sky as the sun rises to start the day. My husband is one of those who loves to take pictures of the sunrise. I don’t see the sunrise that often, but when I do it is like watching a painter mix and stroke the colors on to the canvas in a fascinating eye-catching way and then, ta-dah - it is a new day.

It is so great when the sun is shining and there are blue skies, birds singing, and it doesn’t really matter if it is cold out. A day with sunshine to light up the sky can help a day be better no matter what the temperature.

I do get to see the moon rise over the horizon quite often. I have walked in the evening looking up at the sky and tried to take many pictures of the moon and the twinkling stars. The pictures typically do not compare to what I am viewing at the time.

There is a place in our neighborhood that I have spent time just gazing up at the lights in the sky while mulling over things happening in my life or others’ lives.

 Sometimes I cry, sometimes I stand and talk to God, and sometimes I just plain admire the amazing handiwork that I see before me up in the sky.

Sometimes the clouds are so thick you can’t see all the stars or the moon. Sometimes a cloud will part a bit and I can get a peek at the lights in the sky.

Even when it is stormy, I know there are lights behind those dark clouds.

When I go inside, throughout my home little night lights are placed to guide our way when we turn the main lights off at night. If we get up at night, it isn’t completely dark. There are soft lights to guide us.

God created light for our day, and He created lights to shine in the dark of the night.

The book of Genesis tells us on the fourth day of creation in chapter 1 verse 16. “Then God made two great lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night. He made the stars also. 17 God set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light on the earth, 18 and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good.”

This Sunday we get to set our clocks forward which will make our early evenings brighter.

In the fall when we switch our clocks backward each year it is instantly dark and dreary early in the day. The rainy weather starts, and people head indoors. However, a wonderful thing happens in October, (now that people decorate for Christmas earlier) the neighborhoods light up one by one around our city with bright beautiful light displays that have become more and more extravagant each year.

There are lists in the paper to let you know where the most exquisite light displays are around the cities. There are quite a few on that list and there are quite a few that don’t make the paper.

Just down the street from us the neighborhood puts on a wonderful Christmas display.  I love looking at the beautiful light displays so I turn on to that street quite a bit to see it up close.

Then closer to the Christmas holiday I come home to cheery decorations that await in my house along with the Christmas tree that has its own light display.

All of this helps make it truly the most wonderful time of the year.

And then the new year begins, and we celebrate newness. It brings a sense of hope for the days that lie ahead.

Then…the lights come down. The trees are put away. The celebration time is over.

Except for a few homes there is no longer those beautiful lights causing the streets to be illuminated with color.

There is a deeper darkness to the evening, and the nights seem longer.  

Darkness is all around. It makes it so hard to see. Sometimes it can be easier to close your eyes, hide your head, or hide your heart, so as not to think about what causes things to be dark or what happens in the dark.

The news and social media plagues us with information of the virus. There has been a huge loss of lives and suffering of loved ones. It can be terrifying to have someone cough near you. People wait at home for information of their loved ones on whether they are okay or not while they suffer in the hospital.

There has been so much misunderstanding between people. Anger. Retaliation.

Drugs, sex addiction, and sex trafficking is rampant in America. It is rampant in our very area!

Families are being torn apart in so many ways whether it be by isolation from the virus, the vaccine opinions, the masks fights, different addictions, the list is long.

The homeless line the sides of the roads and freeway. Their garbage and belongings fill the grassy areas.

There is an outrageous number of children in the foster care system and there is not enough homes for them to be stay safe while their parents deal with their issues.  And there is so many burnt out foster parents, CASA, and caseworkers because of a system that doesn’t appear to be handling the overload very well. It leaves a person shaking their head with a broken heart.

Young adults are dealing with mental issues during this pandemic time.

Murders, robberies, and kidnappings are the norm in the paper. 

It seems the lights are not only put away for the holidays, but the light is gone from life itself. 

There is darkness.

And in the dark is where the mourning cries of the heart are not always heard, and hope can be lost. In the dark is where a person can feel so alone. In the dark is where it is hard to see the helping hand that is reaching out to comfort. In the dark is where it is hard to find those who need comforting the most.

In the dark is where we sometimes hold on to things that only make it darker because we cannot clearly see.

The other day I read in Genesis 1 that in the beginning of creation darkness was all around. God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light, and God separated the light from the darkness. He said it was good.

It really caught my attention that light was the first thing God spoke into creation. And He SEPERATED the light from the darkness.

It was dark and then there was light. This was the first day.

And it was good.

He didn’t leave it at that. As we read earlier on the fourth day, He created a lesser light to RULE the night.

In each day darkness does come in one form or another, but so does LIGHT. Each day there is light. God spoke light first into the day.

During the Christmas celebration Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus. In John 1:1-5 – it says that Jesus is the light…

“In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. ²He was in the beginning with God. ³ All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. ⁴ In Him was life, and the life was the light of me. ⁵ And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.”

Even after the Christmas lights have come down. Even when the nights are dark. Even when darkness tries to cover the light.

LIGHT is still there.

Even when the sun goes down each day and darkness fills the land, God put stars and a moon in the sky to keep it from becoming completely dark.

The book of John tells us that Jesus light shines in the darkness…

We need the light that shines in the darkness.

There is a cute little song from Sunday School, This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

There is a lot of pain in life right now. A lot of grieving. Believe me I know.

There is a light that shines eternally and that is the light of Jesus.

Believe me I am not just trying to say something simple. I have also experienced dark nights. A heart so broken I didn’t even know how I could smile again. I have struggled with physical things this last year like never before and the process of healing has been long. I have lost ones I love, and miss that I will not hear their voices or spend another moment on earth with them.

My family and I gave a big chunk of our lives to bring good to a situation that seems like it didn’t matter what we did.

It looks so dark sometimes, and the dark can cause a heart to feel hopeless.

Yes, it can.

I am here to say it is never, never, never completely dark.

NEVER.

Jesus is the light of the world.

Yep, there is a lot of dark, but God’s light shines brighter.

God SPOKE and there became light. A light that has never been put out since the day of creation.

And every single day that sun rises. The stars twinkle. The moon shines. And it is a complete day.

There is hope.

See the night comes, but it cannot be completely dark, even if the skies are cloudy.

And we have PEOPLE.

God’s people.

Jesus says to be a city on a hill.

There is always, always a person. Maybe they won’t solve everything, but every little good thing a person does can light up a day so bright.

The nights may be dark. The days may seem as dark as the night, but there is a light that can come to shine in your life.

Jesus’ light. It shows through creation, it shows through people.

His light shines no matter what.

 

 

 

 

And there He IS...

I sat down with every intention to do my morning reading. I had my coffee, my notebook, my blanket, and…my phone.

I picked up my phone for a brief text which ended up being another text, and another text…

A few times my emails got a look through. I didn’t open my devotional emails. The titles were glanced at for a few seconds and then back to perusing through other things on my phone.

Videos of my cat’s were sent to my husband. Morning gifs were sent and oh, another picture and video of my cat’s.

My Bible got pulled over closer to me. Then another glance at my devotional’s. Oh, this one looks simple it is about the writer’s job. Okay…

And there He was.

Every word in that devotional spoke to the place in my heart that I really didn’t want to deal with at the moment. It was easier to play around until I felt I could get up and get busy with my day. It was as though, I was the writer of that devotional, not someone else, who I had never met before.

He was waiting.

He was right there.

He let me know too.

The verse, Genesis 16:13 (NIV)

“She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her. ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me.”

Many, many, many years ago Hagar was in a scary, lonely place in the wilderness. A single mom, no income, abused, used, put aside, her feelings didn’t matter to those around her, and she had an unsure future.

God met Hagaar there. He saw her. AND she KNEW that HE could see her. And she left from that place in the wilderness.

That is what God did today for me. He literally dumped right in my lap a comforting direction and let me know He sees.

He sees me.

He doesn’t just see me standing, sitting, laying, crying, and laughing. All those things that a person sees on the outside.

No…God sees my pain that is in my heart, He sees the joy inside of me, He knows before I do what I think about something, He knows my anxious thoughts, He knows my careless whispers and shouts, He knows every single thing about my past, and He knows my future. Psalm 139.

He sees me right here – right now and He not only sees, but He knows.

Are you scared? Are you lonely? Are you grieving? Are you angry? Are you frustrated, trapped, or need direction? Are you happy, excited, and hopeful?

HE SEES YOU.

Even though things are crazy in Haiti, India, and Afghanistan He still SEES you, my friend. He SEES us standing here needing Him.

Even as reports of Covid, masks, cancer, and death are everywhere you read and look, He SEES you, my friend. He SEES us needing HIM.

Are you waiting for the call? Are you standing beside the grave? Are you sick in the bed? Are you broken hearted?

Does tomorrow look dark?

HE SEES.

Let’s start right there.

That no matter what is going on GOD SEES each of us exactly where we are at this moment and the moment, He gives us after that.

Thank you, LORD, that YOU SEE each of us. Right here. Right now.

May we move from this moment into the next knowing His eyes are upon us and He knows.

 

Thank You to All Who Have Served In America's Military

 

Let Love Shine

When I picked up my phone yesterday I had the thought, I wonder what is happening on Facebook today.
My next thought was, I hope nothing bad happened.
The first post - something had happened in Vegas.
I looked at the news.
Are there any words to express something that my mind cannot grasp happened?
Then it got personal when I discovered a couple of my family members knew people who had lost their lives at this concert and others who were injured.
I have no words.
I cannot grasp who or why would do such a horrible thing. And whenever I think of what the people at the concert went through, while running away from the bullets, there is no words, only tears.
I am not normally a name caller, but no matter what his mental condition was at the time, no matter what his reasons, only a little coward would do what he did. The people had no way to defend themselves. No way to counter attack. Purely a evil cowardly act of violence.
And the point?
There is none.
Hatred cloaked in a coward’s bullets flew through the air taking lives that were full of love, dreams, hopes for tomorrow.
People stood next to loved ones and shared their last moments dodging a coward’s bullet’s.
My mind cannot grasp the totality of what happened in that place. It doesn’t want to grasp it completely.
There are people who will HAVE to grasp what happened at such a painful personal level. Their loved one’s are not coming home.
My niece’s friends are not coming home.
My niece’s friends are injured.
There are husbands, wives, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, cousins, friends…not coming home.
Because…
I went for a walk. How do you pray when there is so much tragedy? When there is so much devastation in this world brought on by storms, and then there is devastation brought on by senseless act of destruction.
And then to top it off - there is the fake news. There is the battle between the left and the right. Even in a horrible crisis such as this there is mud-slinging.
How does a person stop the cowardly bullets of hate so it will not spread hate further?
It is one of those times I believe God is there to catch the tears and I don’t have to have the right words. It is to big.
It is one of those times beyond anyone’s understanding of what evil can do to people’s lives, where it is necessary to hold onto the hand of LOVE.
Hold on tight and not be a part in spreading the coward’s message of evil cowardly hate that lead to violence.
Instead hold onto Jesus hand and know He hears all of the hearts crying.
He hears it all.
He walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death. He holds us and comfort us.
He can cover us with love when evil comes to destroy us.
The act of pure evil tries to snuff out the light.
I pray we will not let the light of LOVE be snuffed out. Instead, let the darkness of hate be snuffed out.
When I was young and my car broke down, I would walk from my apartment that was located close to downtown, up to my parent’s or friend’s house which was a couple miles away. Alone. At night.
It would be spooky when I walked by the grave yard, but only because of my very vivid imagination. However, I didn’t have any fear of someone grabbing me and putting me in their car.
Until…
Reports started coming from the Seattle area of girls coming up missing. And then the news started that these same girls were found dead.
I no longer felt safe walking by myself at night.
A baseball park located down the road from my childhood home was a great hangout place for us as kids. We played ball, slid down the dirt hills in the woods that surrounded the ball field, rode dirt bikes and hiked.
Two young brothers were found dead.
Those woods were no longer a safe place to go.
We would go to movie theaters by ourselves and let young children go to the bathrooms without worrying. Then the same killer of the boys in the woods, snatched one of his victims from the bathroom of a movie theater.
Theaters lost their “safety” appeal after that.
I used to jog all over the place, and then there was news of a serial Raper grabbing girls who were running or riding bikes. I started carrying mace, and running earlier in the day where people were around. 
Now that I am older, people are shot at movie theaters.
Theaters are no longer a safe place to be.
And shopping malls, festivals, and concerts.
Hate shows it’s face.
Hate takes away FREEDOM.
Seeds of hate causes violence to grow and grow and grow.
Seeds of love bring healing, comfort, happiness, and joy.
We cannot demand someone to love. We can only bring love to other people and drop seeds.
We can bring love that gives comfort. Love that brings healing.
I pray God will heal our land!
I pray God will heal me and you!
I pray God will pour out His comfort upon everyone who is experiencing the consequences of hate.
I pray I will not be the hater.
I pray I will be the forgiver.
I pray I will be the one who loves.
I pray those bullets of cowardly hate will not spread any further.
I pray you will know you are loved and God is there to comfort you right now, in this place.

Pierced Like A Knife

The question sunk into my heart like a piercing sharp knife. Shock and then humiliation swept over me. The humiliation grew, as one by one those around me, heard what had been asked me. 

Words of encouragement and comfort were given, but the humiliation and hurt went deep. The words had hit their mark. 

Just that morning I had been excited by progress I had made in an area I had been working on in my life.

The words spoken said loud and clear the work WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

The hurtful words, and then the humiliation that came from others knowing about the spoken words, was enough to make me either trip that person as they went out the door…Or not.

Or to fight the tears of anger and embarrassment, and just get out of that place before any further damage was done.

I chose the latter.

It was hard. I was hurt. I was embarrassed and the knife had hit a very tender, sore spot in me.

Yes, later I cried. I complained. And it affected me for awhile.

Another question began to tap me on the shoulder. “What are you going to do the next time you see this person?” The odds were high that I would be seeing this person within the week, if not shortly thereafter.

This became an internal struggle. I tossed around the thought that I could be polite, but aloof, or very guarded. The easiest thing would be to ignore this person. Act like I didn’t see them. There wouldn’t be any harm done in doing that. After all, I didn’t have a relationship with this person other than the few minutes each week I said hello and had a short conversation. So what would be the difference?

It ended up I didn’t see this person until just a few days ago. That gave me a few weeks to toss things around in my head and get the right perspective.

It seems like whenever I have a situation that I’m struggling with, I seem to hear story after story of other’s struggles and how they handled them…the right way.

Hmm.

One of my favorite singers competed on one of the popular reality singing shows. One of the judges said some unkind things about her during one of his interviews. Millions watch this show.

I am one of the millions, although I don’t recall this particular incident, probably since there were lots of incidences this judge trashed people without considering their feelings.

However, the singer I am talking about saw the tape and heard what he said. She knew he said this on national television. She knew millions heard his comments.

How humiliating would that be?

I don’t know how much she struggled, but I do know she ended up showing she was an obedient Christ follower. And that she had an incredible faith.

She actually told the judge she forgave him for what he said because she was a Christian.

I thought that was incredible.

If only I could move my thoughts to that incredible place.

Hebrews 12 Living Bible (TLB)

12 Since we have such a huge crowd of men of faith watching us from the grandstands, let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us.

² Keep your eyes on Jesus, our leader and instructor. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterwards; and now he sits in the place of honor by the throne of God.

³ If you want to keep from becoming fainthearted and weary, think about his patience as sinful men did such terrible things to him. ⁴ After all, you have never yet struggled against sin and temptation until you sweat great drops of blood.

Jesus calls us to follow Him. Despite being humiliated, tortured, and hung to die, he asks the Father in heaven to forgive them.

Luke 23 Living Bible (TLB)

³⁴ “Father, forgive these people,” Jesus said, “for they don’t know what they are doing.”

So…as my own story goes, I saw the person in a crowd a few nights ago. I shot up another prayer about the situation and then made myself busy by talking to someone else.

When I finished, I turned around, and the person was standing there purposely waiting for me and wanting to talk to me.

Strangely, everything changed inside of me about the situation. I gave the person a hug, and chatted and chatted. I walked out of the building chatting along.

I felt good afterward. Things were right again in that part of my world.

Afterward I recalled a story told by Corrie TenBoom…she had been a prisoner in a concentration camp, along with her sister. One of the prison guards beat her sister. Corrie hated that prison guard. Before her sister died, she talked to Corrie about needing to forgive as Jesus forgave. Corrie ended up being the lone survivor of the concentration camp in her family.

She went on to be a public speaker sharing her story and how God worked in her life. One night after she spoke at an event, she spotted the person who had been the prison guard coming from across the room toward her. She battled internally until the moment the guard reached out a hand for a handshake. When she took his hand, God enabled her to forgive him.

My situation wasn’t quite so extreme. Yeah, I hurt. It was a knife to the heart. But with the stories of the believers that go before me, and with the story of my Savior Jesus, and the help from His Holy Spirit, I was able to not only forgive, but show forgiveness.

During this season where we prepare to celebrate Easter, the day Jesus died on the cross for our sins and then came back to life again three days later. I hope to focus on the mark ahead and be able to lay down all the things that would hold me back, such as unforgiveness.

I do seriously want to add, that if you are being abused by someone get out of the situation. Immediately. You can forgive the person, but forgiveness doesn’t always mean there will be a relationship with the person you forgive. It does mean, you have forgiven that person, and they are no longer indebted to you. 

Hidden Song

It’s positive.

The words scream loud.

Many voices speak at once.

“I’ll lose my family.”

 ‘I’ll lose my boyfriend.”

“What will people think when they hear what I’ve been doing?”

 “I’m too young for this.”

“I have a choice.”

“I’m going to take that choice.”

Returning from the walk down the hallway of choice, many voices speak at once.  

“What will people think when they hear what I’ve done?”

 “I’ll lose my family.”

 “I’ll lose my boyfriend.”

“I’m too young for this.”

“I have a choice.”

“I’m going to hide my choice.”

Stepping into the closet of shameful secrets, the voices continually speak at once.

“No one can know what I’ve done?”

 “I’ll lose my family.”

 “I’ll lose my boyfriend.”

“I’m too young for this.”

“I had a choice.”

“I can’t let anyone know I made that choice.”

A knock sounds on the closet door of shameful secrets. One voice speaks loud and clear.

“I know.”

“You will not lose me.”

“It doesn’t matter what others think.”

“I too had a choice.”

“I made that choice for you.”

She walks out of the closet of shameful secrets into the hands of forgiveness.

Many women live, in pain, in this closet of shameful secrets.

Why? Besides the pain, risks and physical aftermath abortion brings, a woman suffers emotionally. She participated in taking the life of her own child.

And because a woman participated in taking the life of her own child, she doesn’t get to grieve. After all, why should she mourn? It was her decision.

Writing about “choice” is not easy. It’s a subject that from many perspectives divides our nation. Many years ago I too was an advocate for “choice.” I stepped into a new world when my eyes were open to what that word really meant.

Choice is more than eliminating a problem. It is a painful procedure that ends the life of a child and changes the life of a woman.

In the story Hidden Song, I took Trudy out of the abortion clinic and in one situation after another silenced the voices that made her believe there was only one choice for her. One voice took a while to silence.

One hope is that women of all ages can find comfort or healing in knowing there are other options for you and the child you are carrying. The child isn’t the problem. The problem is learning to live with how this new life affects your own life and the people around you.

The second hope would be that through the lives of the characters, I was able to speak to those who are in some way involved in a decision with a woman considering abortion. Like I said earlier, “choice” is more than eliminating a problem. It is a very painful procedure that ends the life of a child and changes the life of a woman.

The story depicts a sampling of the many voices that scream at a woman in the situation of an unplanned pregnancy. I believe the loudest is fear. The biggest fear is losing the people in her life that she loves. There is also the fear of losing her career, and her friends, her childhood, her new life with her husband now that the kids are grown, energy, time. The list goes on.

After an abortion those fears usually remain the same because all though it’s legal and her right, what would people think of her decision. Would they leave?  Now comes the fear of losing all of the things that led her to her choice.

And she should be okay afterward, but she’s not. Who will understand?

The third hope is to let those of you who made the choice of abortion know you don’t have to live in the closet of shameful secrets. There are many women who suffer in the same way you do.

There is a list a mile long of symptoms that come from abortion. And there is healing.

You don’t have to tell the whole world about it. But, there is someone waiting to talk to you about it. And He loves you. Jesus is reaching His hand out to you and there is healing in Him. You can begin to walk through the process of mourning and into the path of receiving His forgiveness and your own.

In this world we have the freedom to make choices. I would never want to be responsible for taking away a person’s right to make the right decision. But my hope and prayer for every woman is that her choice is life.

Choice doesn’t have to mean the end of two lives. Abortion has many painful ramifications and unless you’ve walked down that hallway, it isn’t easy to understand.

It is easy to hear about a young girl, or an older woman, becoming pregnant and for whatever reason, it is clear the pregnancy is an inconvenience and be happy she has the option to take care of the matter and go on with her life.

It is hard for a young girl or an older woman to go on after making that choice to live her life as she once did before. The experience, if she didn’t block it out, stays in the back of her mind. It’s something that is not talked about among friends and family.

Unless, you’ve walked down the path of abortion in one way or another, and suffered the ramifications that come from abortion, it is easy to push choosing to end the life of the child a woman is carrying.

If you are in a place where you are considering abortion or you are pushing someone to have an abortion, take time to see what abortion really is and what happens to you during the abortion procedure. There are videos and books and lots of testimonies available.

What people consider a solution to a problem becomes the door to a larger problem.

I hope Hidden Song brings you the comfort, understanding or the courage you may be in need of right now. And a hug and a glimpse at how much God loves you. 

TANGLES IN MY HEART

Here is a testimony of someone’s abortion experience…

An interesting principle came to me one day when I was combing my hair. I found that how I deal with snarls in my hair was how I dealt with snarls in my life.

I have long hair and it is very fine, causing it to be very sensitive and tangles easily. I have found, from time to time, that I will get a snarl in my hair and I would comb over it instead of dealing with it.

When I did that it would give me the illusion of covering it up and hiding it from others, but it never helped, it just made the problem worse.

The longer I avoided the snarl, the bigger it got. One day I had a particularly nasty snarl in my hair that I had avoided for quite some time. I was reflecting on it, trying to decide if I shouldn’t just cut my hair when the Lord showed me that I needed to work through difficult situations instead of avoiding them. He showed me through that snarl in my hair that once I decided to begin working on combing it out, no matter how much it hurt and I cried the snarl could be combed out.

This was a picture the Lord gave me to begin the process of healing a very painful part of my past. I had not been dealing with the problem, thus allowing it to get bigger, more painful and gave Satan a place to work havoc in my life.

When I was 9, I was raped by a classmate’s brother, who had been molesting her along with her other two brothers. Although it was told to my parents and they made me confess it to the Catholic priest, nothing was ever done to help me heal from the shame I felt.

This began a snarl in my life that would be combed over and hidden from the world for many years. I would spend the better part of my childhood and adult life trying desperately to hide my painful secret.

I found that I believed that I was a sinner, for the priest told me so. I had to say so many of the prescribed prayers they give you that I walked away believing that I was too bad for God to love and there wasn’t any forgiveness for someone as dirty as I was.

 I also believed that there wasn’t anyone that would ever be there for me so I had to take care of it myself. My life would be a constant tangle of shame, guilt and horror that anyone would ever know this about me. I lived desperately trying to hide, but it always seemed everyone knew.

When I was 20 my life had come to a place where I believed that I would never be loved when I started to date a guy I met during summer break from college. I never knew that I didn’t have to sleep with a guy in order to get him to love me, so I got pregnant.

He immediately dumped me and I was faced with sharing it with my parents who were unable to deal with my earlier crisis and had left me believing it was all my fault I had been raped.

I had nowhere to turn, so I chose abortion. This turned the snarl of my life to a horrible tangle and pushed my life into a mess where I used alcohol and drugs to try and forget. The pain built and my life spiraled out of control so that 5 years later I found myself in the same situation, pregnant, dumped and nowhere to turn.

I chose the easy way out again and found myself at the abortion clinic.

The mess in my life was getting bigger and harder to hide. It took so much energy to pretend to have it all under control.

When I met Jesus Christ, it was the most amazing thing that He would pursue me, sent others alongside me and offered love and forgiveness that I had never known. I heard a song that offered me freedom and I knew that Jesus wanted me to surrender all of my life to Him, because He wanted me and I accepted.

So I began to walk in His ways and in His truth, but I had not yet begun to unravel the snarl that was still causing me to hide my “real” self from others.

Then one day the Lord reminded me that I had accepted Him into my heart when I had heard the song by Clay Crosse I Surrender All. He showed me that when I said I would surrender all, He meant the pain as well and He wanted to heal the wounded places of my heart.

I felt backed into a corner, I had nowhere to run, so I gave in and asked Him to help me deal with the abortions and He led me HEART. A group that is for helping woman deal with the pain of abortion related trauma that women experience as a result of making the choice to abort their child or children.

The 12-week bible study was the most amazing process of untangling the snarl of the years of shame and pain I had built up. I was able to finally come boldly to the throne of grace and ask forgiveness for what I had done. I was able to work through anger at those who had hurt me and let me down and then reach a place of forgiveness. The day that I accepted God’s forgiveness was the most incredible day of my life and the most freeing experience.

I was no longer in bondage to the pain and I fully accepted that He loved me, He had died for my sins, and I just needed to accept His forgiveness to be set free.

To write this is hard for me for it does the one thing that I have been avoiding all my life, exposes me.

I was reflecting on this as I heard a story about a man who is preparing to be set free from a jail where he has served time for selling drugs. He had since come to know Jesus and is afraid to get out and suffer the world that may or may not accept him. He worries about being forever marked and I realized that I could relate to him in my failure to share my story. I was allowing what people thought of me to be more important to me that what God thinks of me.

I know that in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 it says Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

 I knew that I had to be comforted by God in order to offer comfort to others like me who have a horrible tangled life that needs to be set free by God.

I am not proud of my past, but I share it with others so that they will know…when the Son has set you free, you shall be free indeed. John 8:36.